Re-defining co-dependency

It is one of those words/concepts that have made its way into the American “pop-psychology” lexicon. You know when people are in bad (read abusive or neglectful) relationships. They either can’t seem to get out, or they go from one bad relationship to another. Diagnosis: they must be co-dependent. There must be something in the way they think and feel (read bad choices) that results in some sort of self-imposed emotional pain and dysfunction in their lives.

The concept of co-dependency developed out of the treatment of dysfunctional family conditions, often associated with enabling in alcoholic family systems. It was also used to help describe and understand issues related to battered women. By the time these symptoms/issues present themselves to anyone in the helping profession (from therapists to social workers to priests) they usually have become generational patterns of relating that have become woven into the fabric of a family system.

What I intend to suggest to you is that in redefining co-dependence, I will identify a core human, emotional/relational dynamic that affects us all in more ways than we would like to think or imagine. As a matter of fact, I believe that co-dependence is at the core of all issues stemming from what I call Authority/Dependency systems. These systems include families, education, economics, government and religion.

Does this claim sound a little grandiose and maybe too overly simplified? When people suggest that so-‘n-so is co-dependent, they are probably correct in their diagnosis. Co-dependent behaviors and outcomes are usually pretty obvious (in someone else). The obvious treatment plan suggests that by invoking your will, you will make better choices. However, invoking your will and making better choices is where things get a little complicated and where this redefinition becomes essential to understand the issues and solutions.

We will see that we all are at some level co-dependent. It is like those insidious microwaves we hear about that we can’t see, but are negatively impacting us at the cellular level every day of our lives. We will see that so much of life is happening automatically and out of our awareness. But at some point the dysfunctions, the cancers show up and more than likely we never attribute the problems to co-dependence.